Don’t come to me for a police sketch

I look at police sketches with amazement, how is someone able to describe someone so well that an artist can draw them without even seeing them? I mean I don’t even think I could describe my husband or kids with that kind of detail. I just see the police asking me for a description of a suspect, the conversation would probably go like this:
“What did the guy look like”
“He was about this tall, white, probably 35-45 years old”
“What color hair did he have?”
“Ummmm…brown, but it might have been dirty blonde, I can’t remember”
“What was he wearing?”
“Umm…jeans, a shirt…he was definitely wearing a shirt”
I swear, if I had to talk to a sketch artist, one phrase comes to mind “he a look-a like-a man”. I mean seriously, how am I suppose to know what somebody’s eyes are shaped like. I honestly don’t know the shape of my own eyes.

Funny stuff said in my house 3

Oh, where do I begin? Today has been a hilarious day. With Donelson here for the weekend, Laura stopping by, throw in a game of “apples to apples”, and a three year old getting wittier by the day, it makes life very interesting.

My 3 year old, Kylie, told me this morning “Mommy, you’re big and loud, just like me”

Kylie: “daddy you ready to go yet?”
Michael: “in a little bit, you need to learn patience”
Me: “yeah especially with daddy”

If somebody farts, Kylie says “Really?!”

Me: “you know what, you guys remind me of a couple who hasn’t seen each other in a while, staying up late to spend every possible moment with each other. You guys have quite the bromance going”
Donelson: “hey we offered for you to join in on this and you said no”
(We all bust out laughing)

Me: “I don’t think if anything happened I’d ever remarry”
Michael: “yeah, she’s like a penguin she mates for life”
Me: “yeah, except you didn’t give me a rock”
Michael: “do you want me to leave a pile of pebbles on the living room floor? I can do that.”

There was so much more that I can’t remember word for word. I would probably ruin it by trying to explain it. All I have to say is, whoever invented “Apples to apples” was genius. That game is absolutely hilarious!!

Well that was embarrassing

Yes Donelson, there’s a screen door there.

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Another laugh out loud moment in my apartment. Donelson went to step outside, not knowing that both the screen door and the sliding door were closed, he opened the sliding door and walks right into the screen door. I don’t care how many times you’ve seen someone walk into a door, it’s funny every time. As he’s standing there not moving, in disbelief of what just happened, I’m nearly falling over in laughter. “Who closes both doors?” He says laughing,”You know from now on my first instinct whenever I walk out this door is to reach out and feel for the screen”. You know what, I’m going to wait for the day that he stops doing that and close both doors and see if he does it again. 😀

Everybody’s STD

Is your STD bothering you? Mine has really been bugging me. It seems to be taking over my life and wearing me down. Everybody has it, so do you! Don’t believe me, read on.

I know what you’re thinking,”what?!”. Either that or “you’re a fricken weirdo, what are you talking about?” To answer both your questions, STD stands for “Shit to do”. Ok, I’ll admit it’s a little misleading, but it’s kinda fun to stand around with your friends, all talking about your STD and how everybody has it. Keep people listening in on your conversation guessing. When you’re over stressed, its fun to make light of the situation and get a laugh out of it.

“Man, I got this STD because of my husband and I don’t know how to get rid of it”

“Dude this STD is gonna kill me one of these days”

“Everybody has this STD”

Funny stuff said in my house 2

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Whenever my friend Laura stops by there’s sure to be awesomely hilarious, off the wall, and usually downright wrong conversations. Today she stopped by after a doctor’s appointment.

Laura: The doctor sat down on the bed next next to me and played with my boobs for a good 20 minutes. It got really awkward when the doctor felt both at the same time.
Me: was it a male or a female
Laura: female, I couldn’t have a male doctor feeling me up.
Me: yeah it’s really awkward, especially if they’re attractive. It’s like, wow you’re hot and your finger is in my vagina

Laura’s on the phone with her husband and I hear “oooo kinky….no, she didn’t even turn around”. I look at her curiously.
Laura: oh he wanted to see if we could get a reaction out of you. (To her husband) yeah you’re going to have to do a lot better than that to shock her.
Me: yeah, she would have to pull down her pants and stick her vagina in my face. That, that would freak me out.
Laura relays the message to her husband and busts out laughing “he said, Do it!”
Me: no don’t do it
Laura: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
Me: I still don’t know what that means
Laura’s husband: chocolate or strawberry?
Me: better hope its not tapioca
EWWW

My 3 year old is toying with my emotions

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I guess my husband couldn’t handle the hum of the baby monitor last night, so at 2:30 am this morning he got up and relocated to the living room to catch a couple more hours of sleep before getting up for work. So of course this made my 3 year olds spidey sense tingle. I just envision her sitting up like Miss Clavel in the book “Madeline” saying “something’s just not right!”. Her toddler psychic powers must have sensed the empty space in our bed. She snuck into our room, onto our bed, leaned over me and stared. Until I opened my eyes and let out a short shriek. “Hi mommy! Did I scare you? I’m really sorry! You sleeping? I got my blanket. I lay down with you?” She started going on. “Ok, but you need to sleep, lay down, be quiet” and I closed my eyes. “Mommy, I’m really hungry”. I open my eyes seeing, it’s still dark out, “you will survive until breakfast, now please go to sleep”. “Mommy, we watch tv?”. I roll over towards her. “if I hear one more peep out of you, you’re going back to your bed, understand?”. “Yes” she replied, and finally went to sleep.

So after a long night with little sleep 8 a.m. rolls around. My 3 year old comes to me “mommy, I’m really sleepy, I take nap?” A NAP! WHAT AN AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL IDEA! Maybe ill get something done this morning. “Sure, go lay down, I’ll tuck you in”. She happily climbs into bed, closes her eyes, and happily listens as I read her a bed time story. All was going well until I got up to leave the room. Then, all of a sudden she starts throwing a fit because she doesn’t want to take a nap. Ha ha ha good one! You really got me that time.

Somebody needs to invent a sound proof box

my husband: “I smell something burning”
Me: “that’s my brain”

I always heard people say, “you spend the first years of your child’s life trying to get them to walk and talk, and from then on, trying to get them to sit down and be quiet”. As the mother of a 3 year old, who recently gave up naps, I wonder if ill ever get a quiet moment between the hours of 7 am and 8 pm ever again. seriously, just a few minutes ago my 3 year old was running around in circles in the living room saying “so much better, so much better, so much better” then picking up daddy’s shoes. Then continued to run in circles “so much better, so much better”, she continued to do this for 15 minutes. I find that my child never stops talking and if she can’t think of something new to say, she just repeats the same thing over and over again. In some ways it’s cute. Some days she says some funny stuff in her ongoing ramblings. But on days like this, when I’ve been up since 5:30 am, without a moment of silence. I wish I had a sound proof place to go to when my husband gets home to just have 15 minutes of quiet to regroup before coming back out to make dinner. Also on the list of things I wish they would invent:
-Unbreakable crayons
-Juice boxes that don’t squirt when kids squeeze them
-Jeans that are the same size whether they just got out of the dryer or you’ve been wearing them for a couple hours (it never fails after an hour of wearing my pants they start falling down)
-bags of buttery popcorn that don’t leave that nearly impossible to clean film on every single surface of the inside of my microwave
-blinds that resist dust
-calorie free chocolate (hey, one can dream)
-a little robot that cleans carpets the way those ones do that clean hard wood floors

What is something you wish someone would invent?